On your birthday . . .

I’m the biggest celebrator. I believe everything should be celebrated no matter how small it is. Given each day comes a new opportunity, another chance at life.

But today for me is the biggest celebration of all. See today we are celebrating my daughters birthday. She is now 8 years old. I believe life is a gift and should always be celebrated.

I am so greatful that I became a mother, though it wasn’t the simplest journey to take but I’m trully greatful for it. I didn’t know what unconditional love is, until I became a mother.

I found myself when I met her. I thank God everyday for this, because I don’t think I’d be half the woman I am today. I would write a letter to you everyday if I could, just to remind you how much you mean to me.

Life should always be celebrated because in all honesty its all we have. Every breath you take is a gift. If I could give you everything you ever dreamt of I would even make your wildest dreams come true.

Today we celebrate your life my angel, because you are special. I named you Refiloe, it means given and thats what you are to me a gift. Happy birthday my angel, may you live a life on your own terms. And continue to be the star that you are and continue to shine.

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Matters of loss and pain

I’m not one to really talk about loss, I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m an emotional wreck, I love too much, so I tend to get hurt easily. I cry from watching a sad part of a movie and it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen it.

I get too attached even when it’s unnecessary. I’m only human after all. But in all honesty its hard to deal with loss, even if your the strongest person on earth, lossing someone close to you can hit one hard.

I mean it can take years just to move on. I lost my gran-ma 3 years ago and sometimes I wake up missing her. So I find myself crying and I cry so much. I somtimes feel I was robbed of the time, I wanted to spend with her.

I was taught to never ask God why, and if it wasn’t my granny, whose granny did I want it to be. I have now learnt that its pain that doesn’t heal. There is no medication for it.

It’s the kind of pain that runs deep, that no one can really understand. Yes we have all lost someone close to us, but we experience the pain differently. The pain a parent feels for lossing a child, is different from that of a child lossing a parent. But at the end of the day loss is loss, its just the pain that differs.

Its knowing how to handle it that’s the tricky part. I’ve heard of people who end being admitted at a psychiatric hospital because they did not know how to handle the pain. Truth of the matter is, its really okay to hurt, to breakdown but is the a limit to it, because it never stops.

Over a glass of wine

There is a lot that’s been happening lately, I feel as though happiness is but just a fantacy. I would like us to get together sometime to go through things, you know it has been the hardest month for me.

But I don’t really want us to go there, to talk about that part of my life. Maybe when we meet for that glass of wine I would tell you how I was just about to give up, but that is just not my thing. I am a natural fighter, go getter or I wouldn’t be Rongoas.

Maybe over a glass of wine we can talk of how now I have time to do my reading and to also do some writting. We can also talk about how I am now able to focus a bit more on me and the dream.

Maybe we can talk about how the economy is somehow not doing good and yet we are still hopeful for better days. I can tell you how I have started my own business and am quite optimistic about it. Over a glass of wine, we can talk about how I’ve been meaning for us to sit down and talk because I know there has been a lot going on and I have missed our talks.

Over a glass of wine we can talk about the books I’ve been reading currently and maybe you can give some relationship advise. And yes you can also tell me about how over confident I am and it makes you laugh sometime.

Maybe over a glass of wine and some meat, we can talk about going on a road trip one day, and how we must get our passports sorted so we can start traveling. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday over a glass of wine we can make each other laugh till our tummy’s hurt.

There is quite a lot to talk about, perhaps on that day we can switch of our cellphones, put on some music and enjoy that glass of wine.

The safety of our children

Can we please go the, I don’t know about the rest of the world but in my country currently, the safety of our children is most questionable. A week doesn’t end without the news saying that a child was brutally murdered, children are even given drugs at school in the form of sweets, a neighbor is being told by their spiritual leaders or prophets that they must only sleep with virgins in order to succeed.

It is all very scary, as a parent you get to wonder in the time your children are away from you if they are safe. It is very saddening that we have to go through this on a daily basis. I mean its hard for you to trust that your children are safe when they go to play at the park or even at a neighbors house.

Children are being abducted, our children are turned to some sort of magnet for good luck. At times its somehow sickening to think about it.

A lady I went to school told me that her son was molested, I froze because I knew I wouldn’t be that strong if it was me in her shoes . In court the perpetrators said they were given the instruction to sleep with male children only by their so called spiritual advisor or prophet.

If this is the world that we live in now, I want to move to mars, maybe the our children will be safe. I mean even in the bible it says that we should protect our children because they are the future. But if this is the life we are bringing them in then one should question the future of this world.

Can we go back to that time when children can be children. To that time when my child is not just mine but also my neighbors. Can we go back to that time and live by the saying

It takes a village.

May we never forget its true and real meaning. Just for the sake of the future of our world and for our children.

The silence

Its been a while, well a long since I’ve been here. Well truth is the words are gone from me. It somehow feels like I’m in that part of my brain that has nothing in it. Its just empty.

The silence has got me thinking what if I won’t find the words anymore. They are the only thing I know. I can’t even hold a book for a mere 2 minutes in my hands, the silence is now just too loud.

Its that sort of silence that falls on the earth in the middle of the night, where you can even hear your own heart beating. But the words are nowhere to be found.

It seems I’ve been having a lot of sleepless nights, in times like these I’d just crab a pen and paper and sleep will find me, but its just the silence now.

Between the long chats I have with my friends and family, its still quite. I’m just trying to figure all this out and make sense of it all, I am not quite fimiliar with this silence.

I am what we call a chatter box but now I prefer to keep to myself, small talk has now began to bore me. I don’t know why I’m complaining in all honesty I somehow do enjoy the silence, I only long for words to put on paper.

The silence used to be my happy place, but now its just a nightmare I long to wake up from. The silence was where I could find my serenity, my peace, where everything would make sense but now its all just bits and pieces.

And I somehow don’t know how to put these pieces together.

Dear silence

I love you, you have somehow over the years become my best friend. Please come back to me and this time, please stay.

About love

The month of love is slowly approaching it’s end, but I’d honestly like for the love to stay. I am a strong believer of love, and yes I have been hurt. I’ve had my heart broken once too many times, but I just can’t stop loving.

On the talks about love, we have been taught a lot lately about self love, self appreciation. Well it’s simply just saying its okay to be selfish. I for one have learnt that the hard way, to be selfish that is.

Often we give a lot and forget to leave something for ourselves, we will be so caught up in trying to please everyone, making them happy. We forget about the one person that matters the most, the one in the mirror.

I’m not saying to stop giving, please don’t get me wrong, give and share as much love as possible. I know of a family, they are not my family but because of the love that I felt, I received in that family’s home they have technically now become my family too.

To give love and to show could be the best thing you can do for somebody. They don’t have to understand it and neither do you, but give it, share it. Even the bible preaches about love.

What can we be without love, imagine being an emotionless human, who is unable to show and feel love, might as well be a robot.

I am not one to talk about love, well I’m bad at it. I feel it should come with a manual, so we can understand it better. But there is no better love, no greater love like the love of a parent for their child. It’s unconditional love, its pure, its real, its the kind of love we should give on a daily basis. Even to a total stranger, because that’s the thing about love it shouldn’t make sense.

Time

Time is tide it waits for no man. Time is of the outmost importance. Time waisted is never regained.

There are so many time phrases, if we go through all of them, we will not finish. But in all of them we learn one thing time is precious and is to be valued. Maybe its because of this age thing that I’m now looking at time differently. It went by so quickly, dreams forgotten that are never to be gotten.

Time that was waisted chasing dreams that were never mine and living these dreams. I guess its only the people in the movies who never really get to see time go by. They only get a picture perfect day that lasts a whole life time.

I’m seating now and looking at my 21 year old self, unmotivated, undisciplined and did not have a clear vision as to where she was headed. She was ready to settle for whatever tha looked good, well more like gold. If she could see my almost 30 self, I swear its 2 different people. They would look at each other like twins who were separated at birth.

I am now more determined, motivated and have a clear vision of my life. In reality, its me seeing things more clearer, that time has gone by so fast. And on the other hand its no longer just about me, there is her too.

If I had the values that I hold now, all my dreams would have come true by now. But I have been told a lot that its never too late. That dreams delayed are not dreams denied.

But truth is what if time is no longer on my side. My biggest fear has now become time, I know I am capable and able but time scares me.

Ecclesiastes 9 v 11

I have seen something else under the sun:

The race is not to the swift or the battle to the strong nor does food come to the wise or wealth to the brilliant or favour to the learned but TIME and CHANCE happen to them all.