For you . . .

My dear friend

It’s been a while, I have been procrastinating to write. Well the truth is I was not too sure what to say. Or if a letter is even appropriate. I wanted to maybe write you a poem from my heart to yours.

I have realized that lately you’ve had to deal with a lot. You know words flow like a river from my head, but they never seem to leave my lips. And you have felt like I don’t care about you and you know I do.

But you know with me I am always good on paper than to say things. I honestly hope its not too late for me to say this, because I believe you are stronger than me and thank you for keeping up with me.

I know at times I might not be your greatest comfort like you need me to be, well honestly you know how I am just easily taken by emotions and it frustrates me at times.

I hope your okay with all that you had to endure lately, although you might feel you are more there for me than I am for you, I’d really like you to know that I care, maybe I’m just bad at showing you but know if needs be I’d switch places with you at anytime if it will put you at ease.

Dear friend of mine, although I would prefer to just buy us a bottle of wine so that we drown our sorrows away; I am here for you and I love you from here to the moon and back.

I might be a bit late but mental health is real and a lot of the times we take things for granted, until its too late. Although we all have our fair share of ups and downs, always check on the ones you love.

When it finally hits you

I am not one to speak about being honest, because I often neglect the truth myself. The bitter sweet of being honest is at times unbearable.

I remember I used to work for a courier company and our ex manager used the phrase ” shit hit the fan” a lot.

For some reason it didn’t seem to make any sense to me until recently. There is no way of dodging it, it will hit you too.

Maybe its because we’d rather be sweet talked with lies so we are blinded to see the truth. But in reality its not that we are unable to see it, but we choose to see what matters to us.

I honestly thought I was the only one going through this phase but then talking does help. When you think you’ve been hiding the truth from the world, but the world sees right through you.

When it finally hits you, when you have to deal with the so called truth its not easy at that point. Because you realize you have been protecting people or even situations that just let themselves out. You realize you have been protecting people who have been using you as their own shield, they didn’t even care how you come out of the situation.

I have been told a lot to learn to read between the lines, sometimes the weren’t any lines to read through. When one finally decides to say I am enough of this, you are perceived as selfish when they have been aware all along that you were nothing more than a shield.

Because it was okay for the world to see them a certain way, that when you move they are seen for the monsters they trully are. But yet we still live with it and wonder why it took so long to come out.

Reality is we tend to protect people who wouldn’t even take a bullet for us. Who simply dodge out of the way when situations are turned around.

Yet its funny how hard it is to get out of this circle.

The gift

A lot of the time we take it for granted, we somehow tend to neglect it. I have come across a lot of gifted and talented people in my short life but yet choose to settle for what we call comfort zones.

In this place its where we are okay with meeting ends meets, simply being able to take care of the basics yet just neglecting this one thing, the gift.

The most talented and gifted people are not the one’s that we see on tv or we read about in magazines, they are usually the ones stuck at these 9 to 5 jobs.

A lot of the times is not that they want to be there, in these dead end jobs, they stay the because they are comfortable. They are scared of the what if’s, well others have tried, you know taken the risk but have been told they aren’t good enough.

Somehow they become scared of the rejection, they choose to stay and neglect their gifts and talents. And the truth is, there isn’t a single person who is without a gift, each of us is gifted differently and others may feel its not enough.

But what is the point of it all if not to use it. And somehow one starts to doubt their own abilities.

But once you put yourself out there. There will be no stopping you. Always be ready for critism, it can be positive and even negative at the end of the day its how you take it.

Blogging as a beginner

Before I get into this post, I must say I really missed this place. For some reason even though I haven’t shared a blog in a while I’ve been reading some of my fellow bloggers. And somehow the blogging world has become my comfort place.

With everything that’s been happening on a day to day, but I still love it here. There is always something that one can relate to.

I am not a big fan of social media, yes I do visit them now and again but since I was introduced to blogging the interest has now died completely. Maybe its because I have come to the realization of the kind of lives we tend to portray on social media and here I can be me, without fear of being judged or even misinterpreted.

I enjoy reading and to write gives me life. And my blog has become the space where I can breathe in and out comfortably so.

To my fellow bloggers and my followers I thank you. I may not post on a day to day basis but this space here has now become my safe haven.

On your birthday . . .

I’m the biggest celebrator. I believe everything should be celebrated no matter how small it is. Given each day comes a new opportunity, another chance at life.

But today for me is the biggest celebration of all. See today we are celebrating my daughters birthday. She is now 8 years old. I believe life is a gift and should always be celebrated.

I am so greatful that I became a mother, though it wasn’t the simplest journey to take but I’m trully greatful for it. I didn’t know what unconditional love is, until I became a mother.

I found myself when I met her. I thank God everyday for this, because I don’t think I’d be half the woman I am today. I would write a letter to you everyday if I could, just to remind you how much you mean to me.

Life should always be celebrated because in all honesty its all we have. Every breath you take is a gift. If I could give you everything you ever dreamt of I would even make your wildest dreams come true.

Today we celebrate your life my angel, because you are special. I named you Refiloe, it means given and thats what you are to me a gift. Happy birthday my angel, may you live a life on your own terms. And continue to be the star that you are and continue to shine.

Matters of loss and pain

I’m not one to really talk about loss, I don’t know how to deal with it. I’m an emotional wreck, I love too much, so I tend to get hurt easily. I cry from watching a sad part of a movie and it doesn’t matter how many times I’ve seen it.

I get too attached even when it’s unnecessary. I’m only human after all. But in all honesty its hard to deal with loss, even if your the strongest person on earth, lossing someone close to you can hit one hard.

I mean it can take years just to move on. I lost my gran-ma 3 years ago and sometimes I wake up missing her. So I find myself crying and I cry so much. I somtimes feel I was robbed of the time, I wanted to spend with her.

I was taught to never ask God why, and if it wasn’t my granny, whose granny did I want it to be. I have now learnt that its pain that doesn’t heal. There is no medication for it.

It’s the kind of pain that runs deep, that no one can really understand. Yes we have all lost someone close to us, but we experience the pain differently. The pain a parent feels for lossing a child, is different from that of a child lossing a parent. But at the end of the day loss is loss, its just the pain that differs.

Its knowing how to handle it that’s the tricky part. I’ve heard of people who end being admitted at a psychiatric hospital because they did not know how to handle the pain. Truth of the matter is, its really okay to hurt, to breakdown but is the a limit to it, because it never stops.

Over a glass of wine

There is a lot that’s been happening lately, I feel as though happiness is but just a fantacy. I would like us to get together sometime to go through things, you know it has been the hardest month for me.

But I don’t really want us to go there, to talk about that part of my life. Maybe when we meet for that glass of wine I would tell you how I was just about to give up, but that is just not my thing. I am a natural fighter, go getter or I wouldn’t be Rongoas.

Maybe over a glass of wine we can talk of how now I have time to do my reading and to also do some writting. We can also talk about how I am now able to focus a bit more on me and the dream.

Maybe we can talk about how the economy is somehow not doing good and yet we are still hopeful for better days. I can tell you how I have started my own business and am quite optimistic about it. Over a glass of wine, we can talk about how I’ve been meaning for us to sit down and talk because I know there has been a lot going on and I have missed our talks.

Over a glass of wine we can talk about the books I’ve been reading currently and maybe you can give some relationship advise. And yes you can also tell me about how over confident I am and it makes you laugh sometime.

Maybe over a glass of wine and some meat, we can talk about going on a road trip one day, and how we must get our passports sorted so we can start traveling. Maybe not today or tomorrow but someday over a glass of wine we can make each other laugh till our tummy’s hurt.

There is quite a lot to talk about, perhaps on that day we can switch of our cellphones, put on some music and enjoy that glass of wine.